006- Charizard

Charizard is the horse you rode in. And by horse, I mean fucking dragon. Jesus did not have a steed this fucking valiant. Oh wait. Yes he did. It was a fucking Charizard. This sky serpent is seven tons of pure, fiery terror. I mean, let's look at the facts. George Washington beheaded King George on the back of one of these bastards, ending the Civil War and freeing Poland. Abraham Lincoln marched deep into the underground railroad with one of these bitches and burnt the shit out of the drug cartels in there, securing his place in history as "Totally Fucking Awesome." JFK achieved legendary status when he destroyed Russia and Cuba as well as most of Africa on the back of his famous Charizard named "Saphira." Just kidding. None of that fairy-fuck shit in here. His Charizards name was SkullFucker, if you must know. And why Africa?Because "Fuck it," that's why. Charizard's primary moves are AutoKill, Genocide, Holocaust, and Super Nova. All of which cost 1000 souls to use. And trust me kids, our three president's I mentioned, had big bags of souls laying around. I shit you not. You think Ben Franklin was looking for electricity when he was using that kite? Fuck no. He was stealing souls from the gates of Heaven itself. Why didn't God come down and fuck back? Because he does not give two shits, for one. He thinks it's totally fucking awesome, for two. And because there's a god damn dragon chilling around with Benny Frank, G Wash and the boys from the Continental Congress, for three.

005-Charmeleon

Whoever designed the Charmander evolution line is a genetic mastermind, and should receive the Medal of Honor. I want them running my Jurassic Park. They deserve free hookers, Ferraris, and cocaine for the rest of their life. Seriously. Moving away from the Rex Charmander, this guy, this fuckin guy, that designed Charmeleon basically decided to make a fire velociraptor. A fire Velociraptor. I can tell how this conversation went over:
"We need a fifth pokemon"
*does line of cocaine*"Fuck it. Let's make a raptor."
"...These are supposed to be fake anima-"
"RAPTOR RAPTOR RAPTOR!!!!"
"No. Fake animals. Five minutes or you're fired."*exit guy*
"Fuckkk. Fake animals...fake animals.....fake.....animals.....Eh. Fuck it. I'll just throw some fire on a raptor."
The guy who originally argued with him hung himself at the meeting in which the Charmeleon designer received some medals from Obama. Medals for creating the ultimate terrorist fighting weapon. True story, bros. Charmeleon is truly a work to be feared. I'm pretty sure the only moves it's allowed to have are Flamethrower, Flamethrower, Flamethrower, and Flamethrower. And that's all it needs.

004-Charmander

Charmander is a fucking baby T-Rex. A fucking fire baby T-Rex. If that is not enough to convince you this pokemon is hard fucking core, here's a little fun fact. That flame on its baby rex tail. That shit goes out, it dies. Not faints. Dies. Dead. Fucking gone. Charmander literally walks around with his life on his tail, challenging anyone to take it. Let's look at that for a second. The human equivalent of that would be to have your heart surgically placed on the outside of your chest. Then challenging other people to try and kick you in the chest as hard as they can. Don't do it. The difference between you and Charmander is that he is a flamethrower in a dinosaur skin and you're an idiot with a vital organ surgically placed outside of your body. No one's taking that fire from him (except Squirtle). Someone is going to walk up to you on the streets and smash your heart the fuck in. You have no defense. Your best attacks are Cry, Moan, and Bleed Out. Charmander's only flaw isn't even his. It's humanities. Every idiot who ever dresses up as a pokemon only does one of these two: Charmander, or Pikachu. That's it. And most go for Charmander and look like tumbling, tumbling dickweeds doing so.

003-Venusaur

Venusaur is your father. He is fat, washed up, and a drunkard. His dreams and poetic ambitions as Ivysaur were probably crushed out of him in his late level 20's, turning into the depressed and angry drunk that is Venusaur at level 32. Just look at those eyes. Those eyes are fucking dead. He waddles his fat ass home from work, or the bar, and painfully enters the house he hates. He yells at his wife and makes her feel worthless, then probably goes and looks at Bulbasaur porn on the internet, wearing a sick smile, a glazed look in his eye, and sipping a Coor's Lite the entire time. He then bumbles out of there and when his kids come to check on him he tries to tell them life lessons in his stupor, but it only comes out as "fgag fjhfje fjhje...go fuck yourselves...hdjd g ge rsdf." You're probably thinking "Holy christ, if this pokemon is my dad it's totally fucking worthless, right?" WRONG. I don't know if you've tried, but you don't want to fuck with your dad when he hates you and he's drunk. Venusaur has nothing to live for, and will more than fuck up most pokemon that piss it off. These factors may make Venusaur one of the only grass pokemon worth two shits in the underground world of radioactive mutant animal fighting.

002-Ivysaur

If you can somehow manage to rare candy a Bulbasaur up to level sixteen, or, dare I say it, actually gain exp (not possible) with Bulbasaur to level him up, you get Ivysaur, which is decidely more badass. Not like it's hard to be more badass than Bulbasaur. Let's put it into perspective. Bulbasaur is your nine year old brother. He cries when you hit him, tells on you when you don't do your homework or drive too fast, tries to be friends with all of your friends, hops on your xbox live account and screams into the mic so your freinds never want to play with you, etc. etc. You are Ivysaur. You're chill. You got shit under control. You got shit on fucking lock fucking down. You got your lockdown on lockdown. You got it under control. You do what you want and you fuck anything that tries to stop you. The only problem is you have a flower on your back. A flower on your fucking back. Ivysaurs that guy that tries to be hard and show no emotion but fails by miles. Fucking miles. He talks about beatin' other pokes into the ground, but instead he just lounges around and writes poetry. Yes, poetry. How do I know? The giveaway is in the picture. Look at those eyes. They hide a hidden pain, a darker secret. They look towards the future where one day Ivysaur may be able to show his true, emotion-filled colors. The other giveaway is that christ forsaken flower. If Ivysaur is sooo badass why the hell isn't there an atomic bomb strapped to that son of a bitch. No. It's a fucking flower. In between the folds of that flower is his poetry and a pint of Ben & Jerry's, which he eats in bed while watching Lifetime then cries himself to sleep. The final tell-tale sign something isn't right is simple. He's a grass pokemon. Need I say more?

001-Bulbasaur

Bulbasaur is the first in a long series of mythical beasts known as Pokemon. As you can see, the designers had no idea how big this series would get and were lacking some design. Bulbasaur is basically some fucking vampire frog (see teeth and eyes) with, contrary to popular belief, not a flower bud slapped onto his back, but a head of lettuce. That's right. A head of lettuce and since the designers were so lazy, they didn't even bother to make it look like it. In fact, they want you to think it's a flower bud so you don't make fun of their shitty lettuce head. Hell, they probably even wrote it in the series somewhere that the shitpod on his back is a flower bud. Don't believe them. Alright, let's get down to the basic facts. Bulbasaur was only made so Charmander had something to burn right off the bat, and so the unstoppable god machine that is Squirtle was given a "weakness" to make him seem more fair...or something. I don't know. The point is, this piece of shit is as worthless as, well, a piece of shit. If you have a Bulbasaur you did not get from a trade, or from some other means other than picking him, you probably aren't reading this. Fact is, you probably only have half a brain. Fucker. Let's just take a look at the moves he can learn. I'm pretty sure they're only Tailwhip and Growl. Totally. Fucking. Useless. They should have at least given him self-destruct. I mean, any adversary basically does it for him. The only thing he is good for in your party is if you want to let some other pokemon wail on one of your pokes for a while whilst you fix up your party. Even then, Bulbasaur fails. He could probably only withstand one blow. If that.