003-Venusaur

Venusaur is your father. He is fat, washed up, and a drunkard. His dreams and poetic ambitions as Ivysaur were probably crushed out of him in his late level 20's, turning into the depressed and angry drunk that is Venusaur at level 32. Just look at those eyes. Those eyes are fucking dead. He waddles his fat ass home from work, or the bar, and painfully enters the house he hates. He yells at his wife and makes her feel worthless, then probably goes and looks at Bulbasaur porn on the internet, wearing a sick smile, a glazed look in his eye, and sipping a Coor's Lite the entire time. He then bumbles out of there and when his kids come to check on him he tries to tell them life lessons in his stupor, but it only comes out as "fgag fjhfje fjhje...go fuck yourselves...hdjd g ge rsdf." You're probably thinking "Holy christ, if this pokemon is my dad it's totally fucking worthless, right?" WRONG. I don't know if you've tried, but you don't want to fuck with your dad when he hates you and he's drunk. Venusaur has nothing to live for, and will more than fuck up most pokemon that piss it off. These factors may make Venusaur one of the only grass pokemon worth two shits in the underground world of radioactive mutant animal fighting.

002-Ivysaur

If you can somehow manage to rare candy a Bulbasaur up to level sixteen, or, dare I say it, actually gain exp (not possible) with Bulbasaur to level him up, you get Ivysaur, which is decidely more badass. Not like it's hard to be more badass than Bulbasaur. Let's put it into perspective. Bulbasaur is your nine year old brother. He cries when you hit him, tells on you when you don't do your homework or drive too fast, tries to be friends with all of your friends, hops on your xbox live account and screams into the mic so your freinds never want to play with you, etc. etc. You are Ivysaur. You're chill. You got shit under control. You got shit on fucking lock fucking down. You got your lockdown on lockdown. You got it under control. You do what you want and you fuck anything that tries to stop you. The only problem is you have a flower on your back. A flower on your fucking back. Ivysaurs that guy that tries to be hard and show no emotion but fails by miles. Fucking miles. He talks about beatin' other pokes into the ground, but instead he just lounges around and writes poetry. Yes, poetry. How do I know? The giveaway is in the picture. Look at those eyes. They hide a hidden pain, a darker secret. They look towards the future where one day Ivysaur may be able to show his true, emotion-filled colors. The other giveaway is that christ forsaken flower. If Ivysaur is sooo badass why the hell isn't there an atomic bomb strapped to that son of a bitch. No. It's a fucking flower. In between the folds of that flower is his poetry and a pint of Ben & Jerry's, which he eats in bed while watching Lifetime then cries himself to sleep. The final tell-tale sign something isn't right is simple. He's a grass pokemon. Need I say more?

001-Bulbasaur

Bulbasaur is the first in a long series of mythical beasts known as Pokemon. As you can see, the designers had no idea how big this series would get and were lacking some design. Bulbasaur is basically some fucking vampire frog (see teeth and eyes) with, contrary to popular belief, not a flower bud slapped onto his back, but a head of lettuce. That's right. A head of lettuce and since the designers were so lazy, they didn't even bother to make it look like it. In fact, they want you to think it's a flower bud so you don't make fun of their shitty lettuce head. Hell, they probably even wrote it in the series somewhere that the shitpod on his back is a flower bud. Don't believe them. Alright, let's get down to the basic facts. Bulbasaur was only made so Charmander had something to burn right off the bat, and so the unstoppable god machine that is Squirtle was given a "weakness" to make him seem more fair...or something. I don't know. The point is, this piece of shit is as worthless as, well, a piece of shit. If you have a Bulbasaur you did not get from a trade, or from some other means other than picking him, you probably aren't reading this. Fact is, you probably only have half a brain. Fucker. Let's just take a look at the moves he can learn. I'm pretty sure they're only Tailwhip and Growl. Totally. Fucking. Useless. They should have at least given him self-destruct. I mean, any adversary basically does it for him. The only thing he is good for in your party is if you want to let some other pokemon wail on one of your pokes for a while whilst you fix up your party. Even then, Bulbasaur fails. He could probably only withstand one blow. If that.