010-Caterpie

Oh what. No. C'mon. No. Fuck no. What the fuck. It's a dick with an eye. It's literally a green dick with a couple big old eyes taped on. Is that a rattlesnake tail? O's on it's side? A red Y on it's head? What is this shitty alphabet fucker Poke? It's a Caterpie, claims the Dex. Why anyone would want this Pokemon is beyond me. I mean, it's got two vertically stacked tan tits with two nipples on each. It's just odd. It's just a sexually frustrated green dick with letters all over it, two big eyes, weird tits, and no mouth. 0/10 do not recommend.

009-Blastoise

                                           

Boys and girls, here he is. Meet. Your. God. Look at that. Look at that magnificent genetically/mechanically engineered weaponized piece of awesome shit. The USA spent a pretty penny developing this motherfucker only to realize they didn't build him, he built them. Cannons, man. Fucking cannons. This is a child's game, and this poke has fucking GUNS on it's back. And those aren't just for show. Those are fully operational cylindrical death shooters that will fire once, fire twice, fire a third time, and then this creature straight from God's right hand stops to think if you should or shouldn't have been killed, then stops to think again about how it does not care. What you're looking at is a Blastoise. He's looking right back at you with his back turned. Why's his back turned? First, because he knows, one hundred percent for sure, there is no way in your most fanciful hell that you could ever take him. Ever. Secondly, he keeps his back turned to remind you that you are pathetic sack of scum that is only fit to stare at his ass and the shit that may fall out of it. The glorious, glorious, Blastoise shit. Thirdly, you aren't just not worthy, you aren't even fit to see his front. That's right. You aren't even physically fucking adapted to be able to comprehend his front. It will rip your mind apart if you were to view him in his full frontal nude glory. And what's that? What's that there? You so happen to have the balls to be his trainer? That back of his. You can hop on that fucker. Hop on it and fucking surf. That's right, you can literally cruise in style by riding on a massive turtle with guns sticking out of it's back. Surf through the Elite Four. Go on. Blastoise does not give a shit. He will surf you to the top as long as you have the balls to hang on for the ride. But let's say you aren't a ballsy enough. What's that face saying then? "You're fucking next."

008-Wartortle

Wartortle's name basically says it all: War-Turtle. If you didn't pick up on that, GTFO. I have some mixed feelings on this one. Yeah he's in the Squirtle line of evolution, which makes him pretty god damn awesome. And he's literally a turtle of war, which is cool. but what's with those clouds or whatever coming out of his ass? And out of his head. And look, you take out that horizontal line on his shell and what do you have? A peace sign. I fucking hate peace signs. They're for hippies. Besides those downfalls, Wartortle is pretty badass. I guess he lives forever too. Dex entry: It is said to live 10,000 years. Its furry tail is popular as a symbol of longevity. I bet Wartortle has gotta hit B on a daily basis.

007- Squirtle

If you want to beat Pokemans Red&Blue this is the only starter Poke you're allowed to pick. No shit. It's the ultimate set up. You pick him, your Rival picks Bulbasaur (a weak fuck) because somehow grass beats water (?) in theory, but IRL it doesn't. Your Rival gets his shit packed the first time he tries to battle you, and all times after that. People sometimes complain about picking Squirtle for a starter (and all other water starters, for that matter) because for the first part of the game you have to face a lot of Bug/Grass Pokemon. These people are better known as morons. Squirtle kicks ass and takes names for the entire game, regardless of what Bug/Grass he comes upon. He's a turtle, for fucks sake. Those things eat grass and bugs and shit on a daily god damn basis to stay alive. Fish too. Some turtles eat fish. You know what else is pretty much a turtle? Bowser. Squirtles basically pre-evolution Bowser and Bowser is basically badass, therefore Squirtle is basically the most badass.

006- Charizard

Charizard is the horse you rode in. And by horse, I mean fucking dragon. Jesus did not have a steed this fucking valiant. Oh wait. Yes he did. It was a fucking Charizard. This sky serpent is seven tons of pure, fiery terror. I mean, let's look at the facts. George Washington beheaded King George on the back of one of these bastards, ending the Civil War and freeing Poland. Abraham Lincoln marched deep into the underground railroad with one of these bitches and burnt the shit out of the drug cartels in there, securing his place in history as "Totally Fucking Awesome." JFK achieved legendary status when he destroyed Russia and Cuba as well as most of Africa on the back of his famous Charizard named "Saphira." Just kidding. None of that fairy-fuck shit in here. His Charizards name was SkullFucker, if you must know. And why Africa?Because "Fuck it," that's why. Charizard's primary moves are AutoKill, Genocide, Holocaust, and Super Nova. All of which cost 1000 souls to use. And trust me kids, our three president's I mentioned, had big bags of souls laying around. I shit you not. You think Ben Franklin was looking for electricity when he was using that kite? Fuck no. He was stealing souls from the gates of Heaven itself. Why didn't God come down and fuck back? Because he does not give two shits, for one. He thinks it's totally fucking awesome, for two. And because there's a god damn dragon chilling around with Benny Frank, G Wash and the boys from the Continental Congress, for three.

005-Charmeleon

Whoever designed the Charmander evolution line is a genetic mastermind, and should receive the Medal of Honor. I want them running my Jurassic Park. They deserve free hookers, Ferraris, and cocaine for the rest of their life. Seriously. Moving away from the Rex Charmander, this guy, this fuckin guy, that designed Charmeleon basically decided to make a fire velociraptor. A fire Velociraptor. I can tell how this conversation went over:
"We need a fifth pokemon"
*does line of cocaine*"Fuck it. Let's make a raptor."
"...These are supposed to be fake anima-"
"RAPTOR RAPTOR RAPTOR!!!!"
"No. Fake animals. Five minutes or you're fired."*exit guy*
"Fuckkk. Fake animals...fake animals.....fake.....animals.....Eh. Fuck it. I'll just throw some fire on a raptor."
The guy who originally argued with him hung himself at the meeting in which the Charmeleon designer received some medals from Obama. Medals for creating the ultimate terrorist fighting weapon. True story, bros. Charmeleon is truly a work to be feared. I'm pretty sure the only moves it's allowed to have are Flamethrower, Flamethrower, Flamethrower, and Flamethrower. And that's all it needs.

004-Charmander

Charmander is a fucking baby T-Rex. A fucking fire baby T-Rex. If that is not enough to convince you this pokemon is hard fucking core, here's a little fun fact. That flame on its baby rex tail. That shit goes out, it dies. Not faints. Dies. Dead. Fucking gone. Charmander literally walks around with his life on his tail, challenging anyone to take it. Let's look at that for a second. The human equivalent of that would be to have your heart surgically placed on the outside of your chest. Then challenging other people to try and kick you in the chest as hard as they can. Don't do it. The difference between you and Charmander is that he is a flamethrower in a dinosaur skin and you're an idiot with a vital organ surgically placed outside of your body. No one's taking that fire from him (except Squirtle). Someone is going to walk up to you on the streets and smash your heart the fuck in. You have no defense. Your best attacks are Cry, Moan, and Bleed Out. Charmander's only flaw isn't even his. It's humanities. Every idiot who ever dresses up as a pokemon only does one of these two: Charmander, or Pikachu. That's it. And most go for Charmander and look like tumbling, tumbling dickweeds doing so.